I am here

I used to aim for joy at every turn, its not right unless its ecstatic.
Having glimpsed the delights of spontaneous full colour visions, I expected this to be what enlightenment felt like, striving for those visions, that Oneness to accompany me through life.
I carried that aim around with me for many years, repeatedly falling short of the mark and unpicking my behaviour, thought patterns and experiences seeing before me the mountain that needed to be traversed before my joy would be found.
And when joy popped its head round the corner and swelled through my body I tried to hold it in, fence it in, keep it close. And when it popped away again I grieved the loss of a thousand loves.

Now I focus on being alive. I am here. Its up, down, round and round but its real, attainable and constantly shifting. I believe I am happier for it!